Musings and Personal

Back to Insanity and Jail

I found out Saturday night that my girls’ biological father is in jail, and will likely go to prison yet again.

Finding this out broke my heart.

Perhaps it is difficult to understand my heartbreak. Perhaps I’m nuts. Perhaps I’m hopeless because I keep hoping the girls’ parents will turn their lives around.

Why do I care what happens to the man who passed on 23 pairs of chromosomes and a whole lot of damage to my daughters?


BECAUSE he is my daughters’ biological father. BECAUSE we have met and I’ve seen glimpses of the good inside him. BECAUSE he is a fellow human being.

But most of all, BECAUSE he had been doing so well.

Three and a half years ago he went into a drug rehab program in exchange for a reduced prison sentence. He had six months sober when he left the program.

2 choices

He had his own apartment, a job, a valid license and car, and a steady girlfriend, I know this because he got in touch with us about a year and a half into his sobriety and passed on the information:

“Hi there! I sent you the paperwork you guys need. Please let me know when you get it. Also let me know if there is any thing else you need. Hope all is well. I would really love to see some current photos of the girls if that is an option right now. Hope to hear from you soon!”

But somewhere between that time and his booking date approximately six months ago, he destroyed the foundation of his new life and went back to the cracked foundation of his old.

And he’s back behind bars, for the exact same crimes as before – robbery, forgery and possession of drugs.


I am sad for my daughters because, at this point, his words are empty:

“For the first time in a long time, if ever, everything is healthy. I have quality problems now. Bills, obligations, and stuff like that. You can proceed however you like and at what ever pace you need to. Its not really about getting back into Payten’s life at this point. Its about doing everything in my power to facilitate a relationship on my end. Someday, she is going to have questions for me, I’m sure. That’s the way these things usually go. When that time comes I just want her to be able to see that I learned from the experience and did everything I could. That she is important and loved by me.”

I am sad for the man whose hard work was for naught:

“I will stay in close contact with you guys. I am well on my way to having the life God meant me to have, so if the girls are meant to be in it they will be :-). I am moving forward with my girl, we plan on getting married and starting our own little family soon. I will apply all the lessons learned. Love to you all.”

I am sad for all addicts and their biological families, all adoptive parents, and, most of all, the children who are merely innocent bystanders in a world that knows too much darkness.

never give up

But I will NEVER GIVE UP hoping my girls’ biological parents will not simply exist, but live life to the fullest.

And I will NEVER GIVE UP hoping for a brighter world.

4 thoughts on “Back to Insanity and Jail

  1. Thank you for this. I often wish I had the kind of relationship with my son’ birthmother that would allow such letters. I don’t, but the door remains cracked slightly open, and we shall see. I hope healing for her, always, and peace, and joy. Thank you, again. I mean it.


  2. I’ve always felt blessed to know the parents and be able to tell the girls how much they loved them. I admit to some bitterness over being the one stuck with telling the girls the whole truth. Thanks for your perspective on “the words aren’t empty” because that’s my bitterness (sadness, too) showing.


  3. Powerful… I’m afraid that’s all too common amongst the many addicted birth parents. It is hard to get freed from the hold of drugs. It is terribly sad to watch a man or a woman come so, so close to the shore, only to get sucked back in to the depths of the waters. And this guy was so excited too… One thing you can tell your girls is that he meant every word he said. The words aren’t empty at all. But that’s just how hard it is to break free from drugs.
    Let his love for them remain alive, because that can be what heals him in the future, to know they know he meant it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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